It was time, I decided, to get back into dating. When I first started to transition almost three years ago, I left my relationship with a gay man because I really wasn't going to be his type for very much longer. Having spent some time focused entirely on me, I felt, about a year ago, that I was ready to 'get back out there' and try to meet that special someone. How bad can it be out there for a trans woman, I thought.
Pretty effing bad.
Aside from the timeless question of what's in my panties, the second most frequent question I get asked is if my gender transition has affected my sexuality. No. Gender and sexual preference are distinct characteristics. One has no interaction with the other. I was attracted to men before. I am still attracted to men. In fact, the first question my mum asked when I told her I was trans was 'how will you find a boyfriend?' Sometimes my life borders dangerously close to Bridget Jones territory.
Like any modern woman, I turned to technology to aid my dating. Grindr is primarily for gay and bi guys but has filters which allows you to select trans people and their admirers. Imagine my surprise when, immediately, I found myself a date with a lovely man and we dated for the best part of six months.
This relationship, although now over, was a huge deal for me. When I started my transition, I went into it with the understanding that even if another man never wanted me ever again, I was doing the right thing. It was more important to be me and single than it was to pretend and get married. I think that's solid advice for all of us tbqh.
He said that he was proud to be out with me. It's good to know guys like him exist.
It was wonderful to be in a relationship as me for the first time. Truly, authentically me. My boyfriend was patient, understanding and never once had an opinion about all the stuff I'm going through. One evening we went out for dinner and I thanked him for 'being seen with me in public.' He reached over the table, took my hand, told me I was beautiful, and said that he was proud to be out with me. It's good to know guys like him exist.
But it wasn't to last. With so much going on in my life, I felt unable to fully commit. This is where it gets interesting. Given that I'm now heterosexual, I decided to get on Tinder, which I was told is basically Grindr for straight people with fewer dick-pics.
After a couple of months on Tinder I find myself a) fascinated and b) terrified. It has been a wholly dispiriting experience. It's hard to say if this is because I'm a trans woman, or just a woman.
I was upfront. My profile clearly states I am a trans woman. There is a damaging myth that trans people are trying to 'trick' straight men into sex like gender-confused, land-based sirens. Not true.
I figured that Tinder users have the power to 'swipe left' and ignore me to their heart's content. If you're not interested, just politely swipe me into oblivion. I'm down with that. What I was not ready for was how many men would swipe right and 'match' with me.
However, these men - almost exclusively - have been less than gentlemanly in their communications. Again, having never been on Tinder as a cisgender woman I can't tell you if this is the universal experience of Tinder or not (please do tweet me your experiences), but almost immediately these guys have propositioned me for no-strings 'kinky' sex.
Is this because of porn? There is a lot of trans porn out there. Is it because they have experience of trans sex workers? There are a disproportionate number of trans sex workers for reasons I'd have to do a whole article on. The most telling, and discouraging part, is that what these men seem to want - and there's no polite way of saying this - is a winky up their bott-bott.
It is sad that so many men want something sexually but don't feel it's societally acceptable to ask for it.
I already wrote about the objectification of trans bodies, but it seems that these chaps don't even want most of a trans body. There is a fundamental mismatch in what I want as a woman - just a woman, nothing more - and what they want. I'd argue, that if they want a willy, they'd be better off sleeping WITH A MAN. It is sad that so many men - and there have been dozens - want something sexually but don't feel it's societally acceptable to ask for it. This taps into some very murky themes of fragile masculinity, homophobia and repressed desire.
All cisgender men have a prostate up their bum. Prostate massage feels nice and that has nothing to do with a man being gay or straight. Ladies and gents, perhaps it's time for us all to talk more openly about the butt so these men don't have to bother unsuspecting trans women on Tinder.
I'm sorry, but to me - and other trans people - being trans isn't a 24-hour kinky fetish party. It's a bit like when men think women are aroused by simply having breasts. As a lived experience, it's just not exciting I'm afraid. In short, I cannot be a sexual fantasy. What woman has the time? I'm not a fetish, I'm not a prostitute, I'm definitely not your mummy. I want the same things as everyone else: scintillating conversation; dinner dates; sex; someone to moan at about Southern Rail; Netflix and chill(ed wine); someone to stop me eating an entire bag of Haribo Starmix and getting diabetes.
It seems my future will contain three types of men: straight men who want anal sex but are scared of being called gay; men who fetishize trans women - and thus will never see me as anything other than a sexual object; and finally men who are simply comfortable to love whoever they fall in love with. I already met one of the last category, and I have to pray there are more out there. See past the trans part and just see the woman.
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